


Mutiny; Or, Disposing of Your Inept Superiors: How Not To Do It

by FlirtyFroggy



Series: Hornblower Commentaries [4]
Category: Hornblower (TV)
Genre: Commentary, Episode reviews, Essays, Meta, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-10
Updated: 2011-07-10
Packaged: 2017-10-21 05:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlirtyFroggy/pseuds/FlirtyFroggy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fourth and most horribly difficult to write (at least until the next one) in my series of commentaries on Hornblower. From a commentary-writing point of view the structure of this episode is a nightmare. Anyway, that’s my problem not yours. Here we go...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mutiny; Or, Disposing of Your Inept Superiors: How Not To Do It

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Bamber Bunnies](http://www.bamberbunnies.com/) December 2008. Probably doesn't make a lot of sense if you're not familiar with the TV series. Somewhat Archie-focused as ~~I love him~~ it was written for a Jamie Bamber fansite. For the same reason, this series of commentaries does not cover Archie-less episodes.

‘Twas a bright and sunny day. Again. We are in Kingston, Jamaica, in 1802. There are palm trees and Marines wandering around. That is, the Marines are wandering around, not the trees. It’s not that kind of film. This is a different sort of fantasy. Women wearing inappropriately English clothing hang around fanning themselves.

Horatio is in prison again. This is getting to be a habit for him. He stares out through the bars of his cell looking worried. As well he might. Pellew arrives, looking more pissed off than he has ever looked, even when Admiral Hood tried to kill him and all his men.  He has been promoted. At least, I assume he’s been promoted and hasn’t just taken to wearing lots of gold braiding on a whim. Horatio just addresses him as ‘sir’ and I don’t know enough (i.e. I know nothing) about Naval uniforms to know what rank he holds now.

‘That it should come to this. You of all people’. Ooh, Horatio. What have you been up to? Oh, wait. Mutiny. I suppose the clue was in the title really, wasn’t it? Never mind. Pellew attempts to comfort Horatio in his hour of need. ‘Unless there are extenuating circumstances you’ll hang. Hang in front of the entire squadron.’ Um, yes. Right. Comfort isn’t really your strong suit, is it?

Flashback to a ship in a storm. Matthews, Horatio, Archie and a bunch of people we’ve never seen before struggle with the waves and the rain. Horatio debates whether to shorten sail (whatever the hell that might mean). Buckland passes the buck. Hmm. I sense a theme developing. Styles reassures a random scared young hand with the extremely helpful ‘Don’t worry kid, stick with me and you’ll grow up bitter like the rest of us.’ He must have learned his comforting skills from Pellew.

Horatio sends Wellard to inform the Captain they are shortening sail. The Captain is with the ship’s doctor who is clearly drunk. The Captain is merely unpleasant.

Horatio argues with the Captain about the exact nature of his standing orders. This does not please the Captain who introduces us to Gunner Hobbs by dragging him into the argument. Hobbs backs up Sawyer; our boys will clearly not find an ally here.

Archie says nothing during all this, just stands in the background getting wet and wearing his unimpressed face.

Sawyer decides to teach Horatio a lesson by threatening to flog Horatio’s men for no apparent reason. He is rapidly moving from unpleasant to unreasonable. I wonder if he will make the further move from unreasonable to unstable. Something tells me he might. Just a hunch.

Scared Random Young Hand plummets to his untimely death. Still, at least he won’t grow up to be bitter like Styles, eh? Wellard takes one look at the body and throws up. And who can blame him? Dr Clive performs the most perfunctory examination in the history of medicine. To be fair, Scared Random Young Hand has been splattered all over the quarterdeck; a full physical probably isn’t necessary. Sawyer orders Horatio to throw the body over the side. Archie, Matthews and Styles advocate following this order. There’s a moment where Horatio contemplates telling Sawyer where to shove his order before he acquiesces. His almost-sarcastic ‘aye aye, sir’ is very Archie-esque. I like.

Paul McGann arrives, looking very fetching in his uniform. He introduces himself to Horatio who responds by throwing himself at Bush. Well, you would, wouldn't you? Bush doesn’t seem overly thrilled by this greeting. Clearly there is something wrong with the man. Just when you think the moment might be salvageable and they could end up being friends, Bush blows it. ‘Perhaps if the men were better supervised these accidents wouldn’t happen Mr Hornblower’. Well, you’re going to be a barrel of laughs to have on board, aren’t you? As it happens, he’s absolutely right but the problem is rather higher up than Horatio who, incidentally, is Third Lieutenant. Pellew is not the only one to have been promoted.

Bush introduces himself to Sawyer and sucks up like no man has ever sucked up before. Horatio asks him if he knows the Captain and he replies that he knows his reputation. Archie pipes up and I heave a sigh of relief. ‘As a fighting Captain or as a man?’ Oh, Archie. I had begun to worry about you. You’ve been so quiet and when you did speak it was to advocate a prudent course of action in the face of injustice perpetrated by a power-abusing bully. Most unlike you; I thought maybe you had been hit on the head again. It’s nice to have the speak-first-think-later, barely-concealed-contempt-for-his-superiors Archie back. Bush is less happy than I am and slaps him down. He doesn’t quite reach Edrington levels of snark but it’s a pretty good effort.

Archie has also been promoted. Why do all promotions happen between episodes? What is happening for them to be earning these promotions? Why does all the excitement happen off-screen?

Archie and Wellard mock Bush after he leaves. I know it’s childish but I love it. It speaks volumes about the relationship between Archie and Wellard, as well as about Archie himself. It says a lot about the state of things on the ship too – it’s hard to imagine such a scene taking place between two officers under Pellew’s command, not least because by mocking Bush’s defence of and reverence for the Captain they are mocking the Captain himself. Horatio tells Wellard off (albeit seemingly as a matter of form rather than out of real disapproval) but not Archie, which is again telling. There’s a lot going on in this little scene. They’ve clearly been on board Renown for a while for Archie and Wellard to be this comfortable with each other. I have no idea how long. Weeks? Months? Years? Horatio sends Wellard below to break up a fight and shoots a disapproving look at Archie as the Midshipman leaves. Archie looks vaguely contrite. Sort of.

Styles is fighting with a nasty piece of work called Randall who informs us that he pushed Scared Random Young Hand off the Yardarm. Wellard is only able to break up the fight with Matthews’ help (Matthews has also been promoted). He may be in with the Senior Officers but he has little authority with the men, a fact that is hammered home when Randall calls him ‘little boy’ just as Horatio and Archie arrive on the scene. ‘Sir, Randall! You call him Sir!’ Ooh, Archie’s pissed off. Lovely. Horatio informs the men, and us, that the penalty for disobeying a superior officer is death.

Sawyer tells the Senior Officers that they are going to the West Indies and ridicules everyone there except Bush who once again pulls off some impressive sucking up. The Captain's mocking of Buckland turns nasty. There is Dramatic Music to help us, just in case we hadn’t got it from the script and the acting. Clive calms the Captain down expertly; this is obviously not the first time he has had to do this. Horatio and Archie exchange Significant Looks.

Archie and Horatio discuss Sawyer’s state of mind and we are treated to some quality slouching of a standard that won’t be seen again until Crossroads Part 1. Good show, young man! I love this scene. It’s another quiet little scene where not much seems to be said but which reveals a great deal. As well as Jamie’s magnificent lounging skills, there is more of that language I love – ‘weary? The man’s bedevilled Horatio.’ I want to be a deranged old sea captain just so someone can say I’m bedevilled. And I love the way he says Horatio’s name. I keep wanting to say that Archie is being the sensible one for once but ‘for once’ is not quite accurate. Despite his occasional impetuosity, Archie is frequently the sensible one. He may be the one more likely to put his foot in it and say the wrong thing, he may not be cautious enough at times, but he is the more cynical and pragmatic of the two. He doesn’t share Horatio’s ideals about honour and duty; his loyalty to the Navy is to the people in it, not to some abstract concept of the service itself. He doesn’t see the world through Horatio’s idealism-tinted glasses and so he sees things more clearly. ‘It’s not the history that concerns me, Horatio, it’s the future. It’s far more uncertain’. Oh, Archie. If you only knew. *sob*

Why do Horatio and Archie use each other's names so much? There is no need to finish every other sentence with the name of the person you are addressing, particularly if there is no-one else there. I'm not complaining; I like it. I just think it's unusual.

There is a repeat of the earlier storm scene, only Bush gets it right – ‘With your permission, sir.’ This time a sail tears and Wellard stops the men. Sawyer goes mental. Horatio defends Wellard and Sawyer goes even more mental. ‘I’ll teach you to conspire, try to make me a laughing stock in front of the men.’ Sawyer summons the hands to give a speech about loyalty. The camera lingers on Archie as Sawyer says ‘Traitors meet their just deserts’.  Oh dear. Foreshadowing much? Sawyer gives all the men rum. Archie and Horatio disapprove; Horatio’s disapproval is mostly under his breath, but Archie can’t help commenting to Bush. ‘Rum. On the forenoon watch.’ I love that, despite the fact they are in different parts of the ship and can't possibly hear each other, their comments go together. Horatio is almost finishing Archie's sentence.

Sawyer is to have Wellard flogged. Matthews questions the justice of it and offers to go easier on him. I love Matthews. Horatio is having none of it. ‘He’ll notice, sure as sin. It’ll only make things worse’. Wellard’s quite a tough cookie really, despite looking so boyish and frail. ‘I have seen a beating sir, I believe I will stand it well enough.’ Archie watches him, looking concerned and glorious. If this carries on I may have to start shipping Archie/Wellard.

Why are Matthews and Styles wearing plant pots on their heads?

‘It’s an injustice, Horatio.’ ‘It’s discipline, Archie.’ Sorry Horatio. I’m with Archie on this one.

The whole ship listens to Wellard’s beating. Randall enjoys it because he is Evil. Everyone else wears varying expressions of resignation and distaste except for Hobbs who is inscrutable. Archie walks away in disgust before the end.

Horatio cannot be beaten because of his rank so he is put on continuous watch for 36 hours. We know this is bad because there is Dramatic Music. Sawyer points out that the punishment for an officer caught sleeping on duty is ‘the most rigorous penalty of the articles of war’. I wonder what that could be. Matthews and Styles exchange Significant Looks.

Horatio and Buckland have a heart-to-heart. Horatio doesn’t seem to enjoy it as much as his chats with Pellew. ‘It doesn’t do to cross the Captain.’ No? Really? Nothing gets past you does it Buckland?

Wellard walks stiffly across the deck. He pouts a lot. Archie looks concerned and advises him to concentrate on his work to keep his mind off the pain. He sounds like the voice of experience and is obviously thinking of his time aboard Justinian. Sawyer wanders over to bully Wellard a bit more. Horatio asks Buckland if he thinks this is reasonable behaviour. ‘I don’t see where reason comes into it’. I can’t decide if Buckalnd is making a profound point here or of he is just stupid.  Perhaps the writers just liked the line and decided to give it someone. ‘Mr Wellard is sulking.’ Sawyer pouts almost as well as Wellard. Perhaps this is the real point of contention between them: competitive pouting.

Sawyer has another fit of paranoia. There is yet more Dramatic Music. Archie sticks up for Wellard and gets labelled with the conspiracy tag. Sawyer drags Bush into the argument. Bush’s answer is ambiguous; is he backing up Sawyer or trying to settle him down?  Archie, with his usual disregard for insignificant details such as rank, has a go at Bush for not speaking up for Wellard. Horatio looks concerned in the background. It seems to be a requirement in this episode for one of the protagonists to hover anxiously in the background while the main action is happening. Bush puts Archie in his place in a way Edrington would be proud of. ‘Mr Hornblower, may I suggest you take the time to remind Mr Kennedy that he is merely Fourth Lieutenant aboard this ship’. Oooh, get you.

Horatio points out to Archie that Bush speaking up for Wellard would have made things worse. Charming. He’s right, but it’s a bit rich coming from someone who’s spent the whole episode so far doing just that. Poor Archie. His face when he realises he’s probably just earned Wellard another beating is a picture. ‘Well that’s precious sop for my conscience.’ Poor baby. Come to me, I’ve got sop for your conscience right here. What does that even mean? I have no idea. I think I’ve been hanging around Bi too much.

A French frigate appears and Bush and Buckland debate whether or not to tell the Captain. ‘Disturb the lion on his prey? Rather you than me, Mr Bush.’ That pretty much sums up this whole episode - they should have called it that. It also tells you just about everything you need to know about Buckland. It turns out there are two frigates, not one. Perhaps someone should mention this to the Captain. Just in passing. Horatio runs to tell the Captain. The Captain is Displeased. He and Horatio argue and Sawyer reluctantly gives way. Buckland shows him the two ships that are by now practically on top of them. Sawyer behaves as though it’s their fault the ship isn’t cleared for action and complains about the laxity of the men. Matthews comments to Hobbs that it’s because the men are all drunk, which doesn’t please Hobbs who criticises Matthews’ loose tongue. ‘My tongue may be loose Mr Hobbs, but at least it’s not raw from licking the Captain’s arse.’ Have I mentioned that I love Matthews?

Sawyer finds time among the mad rush for another fit of paranoia. ‘I’ll have no muttering on my deck’.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. You don’t notice it until you’re trying to break it down, but this episode, the first half at least, is basically the same pattern repeated over and over, escalating. Someone says or does something completely innocent, Sawyer over-reacts, everyone exchanges worried glances, someone gets punished. Rinse and repeat. It’s fascinating to watch but hell to write about. Can’t I do The Frogs and The Lobsters again? That was fun.

Horatio and Bush attempt to bring the gun crews, ‘an ill-disciplined drunken rabble’, into some sort of order. Horatio has a Brilliant and Ingenious Plan to make the French think they’re not as crap as they appear. ‘We’re firing wadding Mr Bush.’ Really Horatio. Are you sure this is the time? Ok, so I’m 12. So sue me. The Brilliant and Ingenious Plan works. Of course it does! It’s Horatio’s!

Horatio, Archie and Bush are congratulating themselves on a job well done. They all seem to be warming up to each other a little. Archie is all smiley and open-shirted. Sawyer comes in to spoil their fun and make Horatio defend his Brilliant and Ingenious Plan. Bush sticks up for Horatio and makes the mistake of mentioning Wellard’s name, reminding Sawyer of the unadministered beating.

This time Wellard is beaten into unconsciousness. Clive stalls in his decision as to whether the beating should continue and Horatio loses patience with him. ‘It’s quite straightforward Dr Clive. Mr Matthews has beaten Mr Wellard insensible. Does he continue?’ Sawyer apparently feels his point has been made and makes the decision himself to stop.

Horatio joins Clive and Wellard in sickbay where they argue about the merits of beating. Horatio is pretty pissed off and is finally coming round to Archie’s way of thinking – this isn’t discipline. Clive gives Horatio a warning. ‘I’ve had the good fortune to serve the Captain for over 15 years and he’s inspired nothing but loyalty in the men under his command.’ Tread carefully Horatio.

Sawyer reads the Articles of War regarding sedition and mutiny aloud to the crew. The word ‘death’ is repeated more times than is surely reasonable. Is there anything in the Navy that isn’t punishable by death? ‘I’ll have you all know that these articles apply to my officers as much as to anyone else’. Buckland and Bush appear concerned. Horatio and Archie exchange Significant Looks. Sawyer gives double rum to the men.

Horatio and Buckland discuss Sawyer’s state of mind. With great subtlety and tact Horatio gets Buckland to admit he find Sawyer’s command ‘erratic’. In typical Horatio fashion, having finally seen the problem, he has to do something about it.

Horatio is asleep on watch. What was the punishment for that again? I’ve forgotten. I don’t think it was mentioned enough times for it to really sink in. Sawyer finds him and in a genuinely unexpected twist in his insanity asks Horatio to shoot him. This is a great little scene. It’s the clearest look we get at just how far gone his mind is, and the calm, quiet madness is much more disturbing than his usual ranting. His knowledge that he is not the man he once was is very moving, as is Horatio’s struggle to reconcile the hero he admired from afar with the senile old man he now has to deal with. Clive breaks up their meeting and this is the moment I stop being annoyed with him and start to really dislike him. He’s the most culpable person on the ship. He knows all along Sawyer isn’t in his right mind and he can’t hide behind denial like Hobbs – it’s surely all too obvious to the doctor who spends so much time with him privately. He probably knew years ago he was losing it and he is the person with the most power to do something about it, yet he not only does nothing, he blocks the Lieutenants at every turn. I know it’s hard for him and he doesn’t want to accept what is happening to the Captain, but that excuse can only go so far.

Horatio and Archie have a moonlit chat on deck. How romantic. I am reminded of something David Eick said about Jamie: ’He cuts the light, as they say, in a very arresting way.’ Doesn’t he just. Horatio admits that Sawyer is unstable and wants to die. Archie’s answer is simple. ‘Then let him’. Archie sometimes sees things a little _too_ clearly. The best outcome is so obvious to him that he misses the obstacles. Horatio doesn’t. See, this is why they are such a good team – they balance each other out. It’s also one of the reasons why Bush will never be as good for Horatio as Archie is – He’s too much like Horatio for them to be able to cancel out (or at least diminish) each other’s bad points. Without Archie as his own personal Jiminy Cricket it’s too easy for Horatio to ignore the better angels of his nature. But that’s a whole different rant for a whole different episode that won’t even be reviewed on this site so I’ll shut up about it now. For now, the dilemma for Horatio and Archie is no longer ‘should we?’ but ‘how do we?’

Randall sends Matthews on a wild goose chase to get Styles alone. Randall and Styles proceed to have the least convincing fight ever seen on television. This is the worst fake punching I have ever seen; Randall’s fist is a good foot or so away from Styles’ face. Horatio arrests Randall anyway. Wellard sees the whole thing but does nothing as he is doped up to the eyeballs on laudanum, courtesy of Dr Clive.

Horatio presents the evidence against Randall while Archie looks worried and beautiful. Sawyer dismisses both Styles’ injuries and the charges, as well as Horatio, his record, his career, his reputation and every known attribute and character trait. All credit to him, that takes some doing. Here is a man totally committed to his delusions in the face of all evidence to the contrary. Bravo that madman.

Horatio, Archie and Buckland discuss the fact that Hobbs had probably given Sawyer a very different account of events before they went in. Sawyer sees them and totally over-reacts. Again. For no apparent reason he decides that their very presence on the quarterdeck is proof that everyone except Bush is plotting against him. Horatio gets a further 36 hours on watch. Buckland, Archie and Wellard are to report to him when every watch is called. And at every hour of every watch. Two, four and six bells. Every watch, day and night. Every hour. And they are to be properly dressed. And they are to have chickens on their heads and ducks strapped to their feet. And every man must carry a tennis racket and dance the Macarena before breakfast. I may have made some of this up.

I thought it wasn’t possible for anyone to be as dense as Horatio is at times, but Buckland beats him hands down. Buckland questions Clive about Sawyer’s mental state and Clive points out that Buckland would be Captain if Sawyer wasn’t in the picture. Buckland looks utterly bewildered at this – it obviously hadn’t even occurred to him.

Horatio is asleep on watch again. Whoops. This time it’s Matthews who finds him and stands over him for a while, keeping look-out, before he wakes him. My favourite moments in this episode are the times when two characters have a brief, quiet chat and more gets said in those few lines than in entire scenes where lots happens but nothing really happens. This time Matthews congratulates Horatio on managing 35 hours and offers the information that he once managed 19 before collapsing. Horatio wants to know what happened next. ‘The Captain was a kind man, sir. Gave me a dozen lashes and let the matter drop.’ Matthews’ definition of a kind man is rather different to mine. Matthew also tells Horatio that not all the crew are as happy with things as they might seem. He ignores Horatio’s warning to watch what he’s saying and goes on to say that he speaks of a third of the crew. There are, of course, lots of Significant Looks during this exchange.

Wellard arrives and Matthews leaves. Horatio and Wellard have a cryptic conversation filled with so many Significant Looks I’m surprised they don’t sprain their eyes. Horatio leaves and Wellard takes another swig of laudanum.

Horatio and Archie pass each other below decks, moving through the crowd and for the second time in two episodes I am reminded of a Jane Austen ballroom scene. It looks like they’re dancing. Somebody somewhere on that production team _wants_ us to slash them. I’m sure of it.

Horatio, Archie and Buckland are... somewhere in the ship. Don’t ask me where. You’d think I would have picked up a few nautical terms by now, and I have. I just don’t know what any of them mean. Weather the lizard? Spanker boom? What the hell? Who comes up with this stuff? Anyway, the Dynamic Duo and the most useless Lieutenant in His Majesty’s navy are discussing their options. Stuffing said useless Lieutenant in one of the nearby barrels and just leaving him there doesn’t seem to be on the list, which is a pity. Horatio hears footsteps and blows out the lantern. It’s not enough to hide them from Bush. ‘I thought I’d find you here.’ A difficult conversation ensues where our potential mutineers refuse to confirm anything, despite that fact that if Bush really were on Sawyer’s side they would already be completely screwed. The Significant Looks during this exchange are off the scale. Bush takes the step of admitting that he thinks the Captain isn’t fit for command. Archie still looks suspicious and distrustful.

Hobbs questions Wellard about the Lieutenants’ whereabouts. For a man out of his skull on opiates, Wellard copes very well.

The Fab Four continue their discussion. Buckland’s main concern is that he has been made a fool of, something you would think he would be used to. Archie takes exception to Bush calling Sawyer’s approach novel. ‘Novel? What about Wellard?’ He calms down a little when Bush assures him he doesn’t like it either. I love it when Archie gets defensive about Wellard. He takes it so personally; he obviously sees a lot of himself in the boy. Horatio doesn’t seem to take the same interest, despite the fact that there are strong similarities to him too. Apart from their physical similarities, Horatio was also once a young, inexperienced midshipman with no connections who suffered at the hands of a powerful bully. But Horatio doesn’t seem to see, or, if he does, to care about, the connection. But then, that would require a degree of self-awareness. Not really what our Mr Hornblower does best.

I have to quote the following conversation, just to illustrate the full stupidity of Buckland:

                Buckland: So do we act now? Do we take a chance and declare him unfit?

                Horatio: And in Kingston, sir? What will await us there?

                Bush: A Court Martial.

                Buckland: Why? Why? What on earth for?

                Horatio: (incredulous) Well, this is mutiny, Mr Buckland. Mutiny.

I mean, really. What the hell did he think was going on?

‘It’s not for us to criticise the Captain. So the court will think.’ ‘But when they see him, Horatio...’ Oh, Archie. Bless you. You may have seen that Sawyer was a complete nutbar from the beginning but that doesn’t mean everyone else will. Look how long it took to convince Horatio, and he was there with you. And how long was this going on before the start of the episode? You may see clearly, but you don’t see everything. *Note to self: stop addressing fictional character as if he can hear you.

Hobbs goes to wake Sawyer and tell him the lieutenants are not on watch or in the wardroom. Sawyer reacts in a calm, relaxed, measured way.

Wellard warns the others the Captain is looking for them. Archie offers his hand to help Buckland up from where he has fallen. He would do better to repeatedly beat him around the head and tell him not to be so wet, but never mind. You can tell he’s thinking it.

The boys split up and a very slow, quiet chase ensues. Hobbs looks for the mutineers in the same way my boyfriend looks for his keys – by standing in the middle of the room looking helplessly around him and expecting them to leap out and yell ‘here I am’. Which, curiously, is almost what Archie does. I can’t figure out what Archie’s doing here. Giving himself up (unlikely)? Trying to calm Sawyer down? Trying to get the gun? I don’t think he has any intention of pushing him. Not that I don’t think he would, I’m sure he would cheerfully push Sawyer down a hole if he could be certain that would do the job, but I don’t like Archie as the pusher for reasons I’ll go into in my Retribution commentary. For the record, I don’t think Horatio did it either, it's too great a risk – it’s not that far to fall and there’s no guarantee it will do any lasting damage let alone kill him. I quite like Wellard as the pusher but I think he may have been too far away. My money’s on a genuine accident, albeit one that wouldn’t have happened if Archie hadn’t been inexplicably walking towards him. I suspect that was done so that Archie, Horatio and Wellard would be potential pushers. In other words, shame on the writers for trying to pull a cheap trick just to inject a bit of mystery that wasn't really needed.

The bit about retrieving the Captain’s pistols is eluding me too. Am I just having a Buckland moment and being completely dense? There is clearly something of Significance going on but I haven’t the first idea what it is. Nice shot of Wellard pointing the gun at Sawyer though. Maybe that’s why it’s in there.

Buckland decrees that Sawyer’s orders regarding continuous watch be adhered to in case Sawyer wakes up. If nothing else, you have to admire the man’s ability to stand upright without having any spine to speak of.

Hobbs and Randall corner Wellard and loom threateningly while enquiring as to what happened to the Captain. If ever a person was asking for punch in the face it’s Randall.

Horatio sleeps on deck while Archie, Bush and Buckland discuss the fact that they didn’t actually do anything. ‘The Captain’s incapacity is not a matter for celebration, Mr Kennedy.’ The look on Archie’s face suggests he does not entirely agree with this sentiment. Bush tells Archie to get some sleep. Archie declines. ‘Thank you, Mr Bush. But I will share the watch with you.’ Aww, look. They’re ~~in love~~ friends now.

Bush questions Horatio about how Sawyer fell. Wellard interrupts before Horatio can answer.

The Captain wakes up but can’t remember anything. Clive is keeping him sedated and won’t confirm if he can resume command.

There is an altercation between Styles, Matthews, Randall and Hobbs, the most important aspect of which is: ‘Lieutenant Buckland is a born fool. He couldn’t command a trip round the bay never mind a 74’. Suddenly I feel myself warming to Hobbs.

‘You will not declare the Captain unfit for command. You keep prevaricating.’ Oh dear. With all the stress, Archie appears to have misplaced his dictionary. Clive is fabulously drunk.

Horatio and Bush are training the gun crews and are enjoying it rather too much. There is absolutely nothing phallic about this scene. Nothing at all.

Ah, the deck shower scene. Is there anything I can say about this? Probably not. I think we’re all thinking the same thing. Archie, Bush and Buckland certainly seem to be. Everyone is enjoying themselves and laughing. Surely nothing could spoil this moment. Oh, wait.

Archie, Horatio and Bush are arrested. The shot of the three of them standing in a line in various states of undress should be used in some sort of advertising campaign. The Royal Navy – Have It Your Way.

Sawyer is leading the ship on a suicide mission towards the Spanish fort. Our heroes are locked up and even Hobbs is beginning to accept that Sawyer has gone over the edge. They almost persuade him to let them out until Bush blows it.

Just when you think things can’t get any worse, the ship runs aground just within range of the Spanish guns. What next? Freak tsunami? Alien invasion? Personal appearance by Paris Hilton?

‘Don’t worry, Mr Kennedy. We’ll drown long before we burn.’ Another Graduate of the Pellew School of Reassurance.  I love that Horatio and Archie only use formal titles when they’re winding each other up. The rest of the time they just address each other as Horatio and Archie.

Buckland tells Wellard to find Clive and fetch a straitjacket. I’m more interested in the jacket that Archie is currently removing and stuffing in the hole in the side of the ship. They’re all very wet now aren’t they? *happy sigh*

Horatio, Archie and Bush are set free by Styles and Matthews and immediately set about saving everyone from impending doom. Buckland is, as ever, about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Fond as I am of the blue jackets, don’t they look wonderful without them? Like cricket whites, only better. Possibly I’m the only person with a thing for men in cricket whites. Watch the end of Bend it Like Beckham, you’ll see what I mean.

Clive finally appears just as Sawyer decides he remembers what happened. He tries to arrest Horatio, seemingly unaware that the ship is in the process of being smashed to smithereens. Despite this, Clive still dithers about. What is wrong with the man?

‘Dr Clive, if you continue to prevaricate we shall all die here.’ Horatio has also misplaced his dictionary, though admittedly it’s probably not a priority at the moment.

I keep waiting for Styles to yell ’Sir, it’s the bloody Indy!’ But, of course, he doesn’t. There’s no miraculous last-minute rescue this time.

‘You’re in command of the Renown now, sir.’ Buckland looks quietly pleased at this. I don’t think anyone else shares that sentiment.

Back in Horatio’s prison cell with Horatio and Mr Cheerful for their obligatory end-of-episode chat. ‘From where I’m standing, I wouldn’t lay great odds on an acquittal.’ Their usual heart-to-heart is a bit grimmer than we’ve come to expect. Pellew asks the big question. ‘How did the Captain come to fall?’

An interesting question to finish on. Other interesting questions:

Who designs the hats for the Royal Navy? Are they taking anything for their condition?

Who designs the rest of the uniform and have they been duly rewarded, with gold and jewels and perhaps some sort of monument?

Where is Oldroyd?

Why is it not written into English law that Jamie Bamber be soaking wet at least 70% of the time?

Where is Buckland’s spine? Did he ever have one?

At what point does the constant exchange of Significant Looks just become ogling each other?

Where does Clive's endless supply of Laudanum come from?

Who does Archie's hair?

What rank does Pellew hold these days?

How long have they been on the Renown?

What the hell is a spanker boom?

Is this the slashiest episode yet?

Will I actually be able to write a commentary for Retribution or will it just be completely beyond me?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm aware that Archie and Horatio have not, in fact, misplaced their dictionaries, and 'prevaricate' is a perfectly appropriate word. I'm leaving those bits in because a) I'm too lazy to take them out; b)They're there in the original posting and I haven't taken out any of the other errors/typos in these commentaries, however much I've wanted to - everything appears as it did when first posted; c)It will hopefully teach me to be more careful in the future when being a smart-arse


End file.
